On the other hand, I am very much a fan of setting goals anytime you feel like you need to achieve something, and trying to instill new attitudes and practices in my life in an attempt to live a happier and more fulfilling life. Lately I've found myself feeling like I need a new goal or direction to focus on in 2012. And I think I've found it. This year, I want to get my confidence back.
I'm actually not looking forward to this year very much. There is already so much on my calendar, I feel like the year has filled up before it's really gotten underway. There will be weddings, 30th's (mine included? Maybe, maybe not, you'll just have to wait!), babies (not mine), anniversaries, and a work calendar that already has so many deadlines pencilled in that I've begun to panic and it's only the second week of January. Already, I know time will be a luxury I won't have this year, but I'm going to have to get through all of these obligations somehow.
This past week, I've been feeling pretty miserable, drained and empty. At home, I don't feel drawn to any of the hobbies I would usually feel drawn to, mainly reading, writing, and blogging but other crafty and general housey projects I'm in the middle of.
Mainly though, this negative feeling is at its peak when I'm at work and I think that is where it's stemming from, and it's spilling over in to my home life. Now I can't fully explain in detail here my issues and feelings about work at the moment, it would take too long, but hopefully the bare bones of it will be clear enough. On and off, ever since I returned from maternity leave last year really, I've felt like an outsider at work. I hadn't felt like this before at this workplace, and I don't know whether my being on maternity leave, or returning to work part-time, had anything to do with it. I work hard, and my workload is always of a full-time capacity even though I'm only part-time now. In fact, I feel like I'm working harder now than I ever did when I was full-time. I've also been in the organisation I work at for a number of years now, and acting in the same job for almost two years. And yet, I always hesitate whenever I think about voicing an opinion or putting an idea on the table, because of the possible hurt I might feel if it gets knocked back. And I often get the feeling that I'm being watched, talked about behind my back, having eyes rolled at me when I'm not looking, and that people generally feel that I'm not pulling my weight. I didn't have any evidence to back this up, it was just a vibe.
Then last week, my "big boss" was talking to me about a few things I'm currently working on. And out of the blue, she asked me if maybe my supervisor needed to delegate more things my way. This boss has always been quite big on the whole "delegating" thing, but I couldn't help but take this comment personally. The way I see it, being asked if you should have more tasks given to you implies one of two things. Either you are giving the impression that you aren't busy enough, or your immediate supervisor is looking too busy and therefore you should take more on to easy their burden. I don't particularly like either option, and I've been mulling over this incident ever since having the conversation, worrying that no one is seeing all the good work that I'm doing (perhaps I analyse things too much?).
Add to that the fact that the job I've been acting in will be advertised for permanency in a few months' time and is likely to be a very competitive process, and I've been one very fretting, nervous little worker bee.
What I need now is some of my old confidence. The steadfast view I used to have of myself that I could take on anything and do it well. That my opinion is worthy and can bring something to the table. That I shouldn't fear because I know I am fantastic and if other people can't see that, they must be blind. And that I shouldn't worry what other people think, so long as I am confident and happy in myself, that will shine through. That's what I need to bring back in to my life in 2012.
Has anyone else experienced the expectations of a full-time job when only working part-time? Is that just the way the cookie crumbles?
I'm flogging this post over at Where's my Glow for FlogYoBlogFriday
I haven't worked part time but I have heard that you either work fulltime or part time and have a fulltime workload - that's the joke at my department (but there's always some truth in these things).
ReplyDeleteI've been feeling pretty drained and sad this week too (and last week for that matter), as I also blogged. I don't know if this will end up helping, but I knew I needed something to look forward to so I have now booked a week holiday in China. Sure it's 3.5 months away, but at least I'll have something to research and look forward to.
I hope you can get your confidence back in 2012 and that whatever happens with your job ends up being for the best :)
Thanks Lisa for the kind wishes. Yes I read your blog post from last week too, perhaps it was something in the water? I hope you're feeling better and excited about your China plan! Which I think is an excellent strategy for getting rid of the doldrums, by the way.
DeleteI've had part-time staff in my team. It is difficult for those who are not in the office 5 days a week, especially in the area of communication. Much happens on any given day and those not there miss out/don't hear etc. It's difficult to feel part of the team.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the 'big boss' made the comment about increased delegation because he/she thinks you are capable. It may have been a positive, rather than a negative. Don't be so hard on yourself. :-)
Thanks Lisa, it's nice of you to suggest that about the boss's comment. Maybe I'll choose to believe that instead! As said above, I analyse things waaaay too much.
DeleteI can relate in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder where that confident girl I used to be has run off to. I totally understand your view of the delegating comment, but maybe your big boss said it because she knows how capable you are and is confident in your abilities. Maybe more confident in yours than your supervisor, which is why she's asking you to do it.
ReplyDeleteI think this has just been a weird week...something in the air. I've felt very blah too, no interest in my usual passions: reading, writing. I've focused on cleaning my house and waiting for the feeling to pass.
Good luck getting your confidence back. I'm confident you can do it! :)
I think you're right about it being a weird week, by the comments I've been receiving both on and offline, there definitely was something in the air! But this week is a new week!
DeleteI hope you're right about my boss. And like I said in my reply to Lisa above, maybe I'll just believe that was the reason, that's got to give me some confidence, right?
Yuck. Feeling for you. I decided not to return to work until all kids are at school partly because I didn't want to work part-time.
ReplyDeleteLisa H might be onto something. Stop being so good at your job and people won't delegate more to you! Haha...ha... okay, not helpful.
Hope it sorts itself out. Visiting via FYBF.
Haha, I wonder if that would work Emily! Perhaps once I win the job permanently at interview in a few months, I'll start to make a few mistakes here and there, become forgetful....then people won't delegate to me.
DeleteOh and by the way, I read your FYBF post but for some reason couldn't comment :( I think I had heard that statistic about literacy skills in Australia before but it's still unbelievable, and it makes me sad too. Reading is a gift :)
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